Okay. So blogging on a Friday night doesn’t sound that fun BUT I have had a few glasses of wine and I have no idea what this blog is going to be about – I’m letting my hair down (very figuratively) and going rogue. It’s wild.
One thing I thought I’d write about is friendship. I was going to have the title “A Good Friend Is…” and then the blog would be a big list of all the traits of a good friend. It would have had stuff like they give it to you straight and you don’t want to kill them. Or you want to kill them but you can tell them you want to kill them and then you can have a laugh about it. Or they laugh at your outfit choices. Or they tally up the amount of favours you owe them. Or they’ll get drunk with you if you need it. Or they’ll stay in with you if you need it. They know your mum. They tell you that they prefer your mum over you. A good friend is sort of like having a partner but without the sexual attraction. Like, you could probably marry your best friend if you fancied them. Sometimes, you wish you did fancy them. That would make life easy. They’re always on your side – even when it seems like they’re not.
So yeah, it was going to be stuff like that. BUT THEN I thought I’d write about Nina Stibbe. I LOVE HER. Like, I actually really properly think I love her. She’s written four books and I love them all. One of the books was made into a TV show and I love that. I listened to a podcast with her in it this morning and she was warm, funny, intelligent, and NICE. I know some people hate the word “nice”, but it’s TOTALLY underrated. I love nice people – well, just as long as they have a bit of edge. Or not an edge – just something genuine, if that makes sense? But anyway, back to Nina. She’s had a reallly quirky childhood and I think that’s why I relate to all her stories so much. Her parents are totally fucking mental – like mine. If we met, we’d probably have a real good bond over our mental childhoods.
So then I thought I’d write about parents. The different parents you get. The different ways we can all be screwed up – or the different ways we can all turn out great, I suppose. But urgh, that all gets a bit grey, doesn’t it? And who really cares about the kinds of parents there are? I really just wanted to write about the time my dad tried to convince me that getting high would help me get an A in my English Higher.
Then I thought I’d write about Christmas. About how people tend to get a bit nuts at Christmas. But meh. I’m not ready to write about Christmas yet. IT’S TOO STRESSFUL. Not only do I not know what I want to get people, but I don’t know what they should get me. It’s SUCH a hard life.
Then I thought I’d just start writing and see what happened.
Ah. Just beginning your novel. Writing that first paragraph and feeling very giggly that you’re actually giving your novel a go. You’re also a little giggly because you’re not taking it very seriously. You know that this is probably just another one of your lame projects that you’re going to give up as soon as you’ve started.
The “Ooh” Stage
This is the bit where you find that you haven’t given up yet. You’re actually enjoying the whole writing a novel thing. You get up early so you can write before work. You’re having fun and, for some unknown reason, you keep going back to it. You keep thinking, “Ooh, I didn’t think this was going to happen.” “Ooh, I’m still doing this”. “Ooh”.
The Dissertation Stage
The bit where you’e written as many words as you had in your dissertation. It’s not that impressive because your dissertation didn’t have that many words but still. You HAD to write your dissertation. You didn’t HAVE to write this novel. It’s pretty cool.
The “Fuck, I’ve Written Over 20 000 Words Stage”
This is more than your dissertation and your novel is actually beginning to take shape. You know what you want it to be. When people ask you how many words you’ve written, you tell them, and they don’t know what it means. They don’t know what 20 000 words looks like. You don’t either. You just see it on your computer but you have no idea what it looks like in an actual book. You laugh because it’s probably only a chapter.
The “Oh My God I’m Having So Much Fun” Stage
You can’t quite believe that you STILL haven’t given up yet. This is the biggest thing you’ve ever done and you love it and you’re proud of yourself for still doing it. You look forward to writing it. You take notes about what you want to write when you’re away from it. You wake up in the middle of the night knowing EXACTLY what should happen next. You write it down on your phone. It makes no sense in the morning, but it doesn’t matter. You carry on anyway.
The “Shit. Should This Be A Real Thing Stage?”
You’ve written a lot now. It really is turning into an actual novel and you start thinking about getting it published, making it real.
The “LOL What Am I Thinking Stage?”
You start reading bits of your novel and you imagine someone else reading it. You suddenly hate it. Everything you’ve written is stupid, boring, and unoriginal. Everyone has said what you’ve said before. You’re doing nothing new or interesting. You’re never going to get published.
The Forgetting About It Stage
You stop. You don’t write. And you don’t write for a really long time. It bugs you. This unfinished novel is aways in the back of your mind but you can’t get back to it. It’s rubbish and there’s nothing you can do to make it better.
The Going Back To It Stage
You’re bored one day so you open your novel. You skim through it. You have a new perspective because you’ve been away from it for a little while. It’s not as bad as you thought it was. Sometimes you like what you’re saying. Sometimes you think that there hasn’t been a story like yours before. You tentatively start to type.
The Committing Stage
You know now that no matter what, you’re going to finish this novel. You’re marrying it. You’re saying your vows. You know it’s not going to be easy but you don’t want to give up. You keep telling yourself you’ll get drunk when you finish it.
The Rollercoaster Stage
Like all commitments, it isn’t easy. You have your good days. You LOVE writing and it makes you happy. You couldn’t live without it. Your novel’s always open on your laptop. Always there for you to dive back into – which you do, regularly. But then there’s the bad days. Your character is too one-dimensional, the narrative doesn’t make any sense, your grammar is all over the place, there’s only one perspective. Who wants to read a novel that just has one opinion? NO ONE. But still you carry on. You’re in it for the long run.
The Coming To The End Stage
You have as many words in your novel as other novels have. How the fuck did that happen? You know exactly how you want it to end but you’re scared to write it. Because once you write it, you’ll have to read it – and it might be crap. You know there is a lot of rubbish in it. You know that once you finish it, you’re going to have to go back and edit, edit, edit, and edit again and again and again. And that’s only if it’s worth all the edits. It might not be. It’s a well known fact that first novels are often terrible. You might have to scrap it and start again. You’re still going to finish it though.
So as I’ve actually not finished my novel, this is the stage I’m at. Better get back to it, I suppose.
WHY are some most people so unaware of the space around them? They just dawdle along completely oblivious to you RIGHT behind them, trying your hardest to get passed. Because that’s another thing – they dawdle along IN THE MIDDLE OF THE PAVEMENT. And whenever you try and pass them on either side, they dawdle sideways and block your way. Fuckers.
People walking too quickly:
This one’s a bitch too. Sometimes you just want to dawdle, take in the sights, breathe the summer air, listen to the birds but you CAN’T because some most people are too busy rushing through life and getting all impatient and huffy right on your heels. People need to learn to CHILL.
Space hoggers:
People who get on buses, planes, and trains and take up your seat space. People coming towards you on the pavement who refuse to move. People who put theirs bags and/or coats on the chair next to them in the hairdressers/doctors. People who think they’ve got a God-given right to more space in the world than others. MOVE THE FUCK OVER.
People (excluding my mum, boss, or some sort of instructor/mentor) who try and tell me what to do:
I won’t listen. And if I do, I’ll do the opposite of what you say. I can’t help it.
Vicious gossip:
We all gossip. It’s a natural part of being a human and I think that most of the time we gossip about people we actually care about. We like talking about them. We like worrying about them. We like them. But then there’s that other kind of gossip. The vicious kind. The kind where people discuss someone they don’t even know and get pleasure out of making fun of them. JUST STOP.
Queue jumpers:
GET BACK IN LINE BITCH.
Judgy McJudgersons:
Ugh. People who make other people feel this small for doing something that isn’t harming anyone. Like eating pizza with mayonnaise or wearing clothes that don’t match or the way you walk or your accent or your hair or your tattoo or what you have for lunch or the shoes you wear or basically anything that ISN’T HARMING ANYONE. Just leave the poor people alone and let them do their thing!
Scotrail:
The most pathetic excuse for a train company in the world, and big stealing bastards. Their tickets are EXTORTIONATE and you NEVER get a seat! You just curl up in the bike rack and try and eat your £3.00 meal deal in peace. Is it really so difficult for them to put out seat reservations?! EVERY OTHER TRAIN COMPANY IN THE WORLD CAN DO IT. Incompetence, thy name is SCOTRAIL.
People who talk about being on a diet while you’re eating a crisp sandwich:
People who don’t order anything to eat and then want to eat your food:
I’ve started telling these people outright that under no circumstances are they getting any of my food. They usually look pretty shocked. I think they’re quite horrified about how selfish I’m being, but like Joey, JOSIE DOESN’T SHARE FOOD. It’s a flaw, I’m not working on it, get over it.
Oh yeah, people who just want to order a big selection of Chinese food and share it all:
No.
People who look at what I’m eating and say “ew”:
That’s rude, isn’t it? It feels rude.
Passive-aggressive monkeys:
If you’ve got something to say, either say it outright or don’t say it at all. Being passive-aggressive is a sure way to get me NOT to do what you want.
Bad manipulators:
Please do it better. I’m much happier when I have no idea I’m being manipulated.
People who are horrible to their mum:
She gave BIRTH to you, fed you from her breast (maybe), answered your every needy whim, ALWAYS put you before herself, clothed you, educated you, loved you when no one else would so STOP taking her for granted and treating her like she’s a moron. You’re the moron.
For the love of God, don’t make it look like you’ve made an effort. That’s a surefire way to lose a man let alone gain one. Men really hate orange faces and eyelashes clouted in mascara. They like their women to be natural. But of course, don’t actually be natural. You’ll lose them that way too. Just buy some insanely expensive foundation (if it’s for your man, it’s worth it) and dab a tiny little bit of mascara onto those lashes – enough to perk them up, but not enough to make it seem like you’re wearing mascara. Or if that’s too difficult, just go to the beautician and get some fake natural eyelashes put in.
Forget To Shave
Men are absolutely repulsed by hair in the wrong places. No matter how busy you’ve been, you should always make time for that extra 20 minutes in the shower every morning. Either that, or say goodbye to sex. Why not get permanent hair removal? It only burns, takes forever, and will cost you an entire months wage or more, but it’s totally worth it!
Have Short Hair (On The head)
Short hair is for boys. If the man you’ve got your eye on sees you with short hair then they will think you are a BOY. Forget about your face shape or what actually suits you, men love really long, luscious hair even if it drowns your beautiful face and makes you look like a stowaway. Will they get unreasonably annoyed about your long hair clogging up the plug hole and getting in their faces while you spoon? Yes, but it’s a sacrifice they’re willing to make.
Ridiculous Pinterest Hairstyles
Trying to be a little bit different? Quirky? Stand out from the norm? Don’t bother. Men think these kinds of hairstyles look horrific and they’ll get annoyed at how long you take to get ready. Men like soft curls, but again just make sure that the curls are natural. Men like hair that actually moves so wax, mousse, and hairspray are not an option.
Bold Lipstick
Bold colours should only come out on Halloween. If then. There’s SO many lovely shades of red and pink out there that why would you try and be a little bit different? Having said that, men don’t like it when your beautiful shade of red or pink lipstick gets on them, but then, you won’t bag a kiss unless you’re wearing that lipstick so we suggest you do a quick run to the ladies room right before the crucial moment. Just make sure to have your mouth covered when you come back out. In a way that’s sexy.
08:35 Question: I’m guessing they call Huel ‘Huel’ as some sort of reference to ‘fuel’ because I think it’s meant to fuel you. But all it makes me think of is ‘gruel’. You know that stuff that Oliver Twist has to eat? Although he does ask for some more so maybe it isn’t as bad as it sounds. Haha, just realised that when I wrote ‘question’, I didn’t actually write a question. Woops.
ANYWAY. Yes. Today I’m going to be drinking Huel. I think people think it’s some sort of protein shake, but that’s not what it is. It’s more a substitute for food. It gives you all the nutrients your body needs so it’s definitely not a diet drink – diet drinks starve you of nutrients, don’t they? It kind of sounds like it’s for people who hate eating… People who see eating as a sort of inconvenience, which is definitely NOT me. I see not eating as an inconvenience.
I’ve just had a cup of tea. I’m guessing that’s allowed? If Huel’s a substitute for meals then surely I can drink what I like? And have snacks? I’m hoping I’m allowed snacks. We’re having a rugby day at ours today so I was going to get crisps, peanuts, yummy dips, and PIZZA. Okay, pizza’s definitely not a snack. But just because I’m on a Huel diet doesn’t mean everyone else has to suffer, do they?
I’m pretty selfless like that.
12:47 Okay so I didn’t have a Huel breakfast. The thing is, I went out for a really long cycle and when I got back home I just really wanted some eggs. AND. I had some leftover salad that I needed to eat today so I thought it would be quite good to eat that with the eggs. Although actually, I didn’t end up eating the salad because I put copious amounts of olive oil and lemon juice on it last night and it was REALLY soggy this morning. I did make myself another salad though:
Okay, this isn’t a photo of my breakfast this morning, but it was my dinner last night and it was DELICIOUS. Rocket leaves and tomatoes (dressed in copious amounts of olive oil and lemon juice and salt), fried halloumi, olives, salami and parma ham…oh god, I need to have this for dinner again tonight.
NO. I’ll have Huel. Or I’ll definitely have some tomorrow. Or maybe for lunch during the week.
12:20 I’ve found the picture of my breakfast! Check it out:
I know what you’re thinking. You want me to come round and make poached eggs for you, don’t you? Well, I wish I could take all the credit for it, but it was really just the poaching pan I used.
People are arriving for the rugby in about 20 minutes. I’m such a good hostess. I’ve sent my boyfriend to the shops for lots of yummy food. And drink. Some of my friends REALLY like rugby. I don’t. I don’t really like watching any sport, but I do like eating yummy food and drinking. I’ve decided to drink Corona today as it hopefully won’t get me too drunk too quickly.
My boyfriend just called and said that the shop didn’t have any big variety Walkers packs, which is a shame. I normally love putting different flavours of crisps into one big bowl and then getting a surprise when you eat them. Don’t get me wrong, it can sometimes be disappointing when you get a boring plain crisp, but the mixture of cheese and onion with salt and vinegar is DEVINE. It’s like the whole sweet and sour kind of thing.
I better run and make sure the flat is semi-presentable. I don’t know why I said that because I already know it is. I stayed in last night, drank some wine and watched a beastin’ romcom. And then I tidied up my mess and did the dishes.
Hostess SKILLZ.Sunday 11:21 So I’ve decided that this blog is now a ‘Huel Weekend’ type of thing since people arrived yesterday, the drink was flowing, and the words weren’t. Aww man, people brought so many snacks! It was insane! Crisps, peanuts, dip, cheese twists, chocolate, and even apples! Because I’ve been trying to be really good recently, I just sort of cracked and ate all the salty food. No regrets. It was so good. Oh and then at about 9 o’ clock I ate an apple so I had a pretty balanced day.
So…you may have heard that Scotland won? THEY WON!!!!!!!!!!! I actually don’t care all that much, but my boyfriend and some of our friends were really happy and happiness is kind of infectious. I had to run to Sainsbury’s at one point to get some more alcohol. There’s a Spanish girl who works there (I sort of love her) and she was saying it had been such a busy day. So many people were coming in drunk and speaking Mexican to her. She said that she was saving up all her Sainsbury’s stories for a book.
Later on in the evening, my boyfriend had to run to the nearest chipper with a detailed order from myself and our friends. I decided to change things up and NOT go for a sausage supper. Instead, I went for one smoked sausage with onion rings. Apparently the people who worked in the chipper were really confused about the order. At every stage of the order they would say, “with ONION RINGS?!”. I don’t know why more people don’t order it. It was delicious.
So as you can probably gather, I didn’t have any Huel yesterday, but I DID have it for breakfast this morning!!!!!
Step 1
Step 2
Step 3
Step 4
It was GROSS.
I feel kind of bad saying that because a friend got me this big bag of Huel for my birthday. Sorry Noel. I am going to “eat” it all, but I just don’t think I could have it as a substitute for every meal. I would go insane. Although I don’t think that’s how you’re necessarily meant to use it. I think you can just substitute it for whatever meal whenever. I’m going to have it for lunch at work. I normally always work through my lunch so Huel would make that nice and easy. I just love food too much to have it substitute every meal. I know Huel is good because it gives you all the nutrients your body needs, but I don’t have a problem with nutrients. I actually LOVE healthy food. I love all kinds of food.
Yep, that’s pretty much been my life for the last couple of weeks. I’ve been having a LOT of soup in a desperate attempt to rid my body of the excess fat it’s gained. What the hell happens to bodies in their 20s?!?!?! I used to be able to eat WHATEVER I wanted, but now the weight is just piling on! I mean, it’s probably all the sausage suppers. And the crisps. But no, my point is that I used to eat all the sausage suppers and crisps in the world and it made no difference to my weight.
Storm Doris. And my legs.
Getting older sucks, doesn’t it? Is it really just downhill from here?
The thing is, I know it isn’t. I think your body goes, you get wrinkles, there’s fat on your thighs THAT JUST WON’T BUDGE, but emotionally you probably get better as you get older, don’t you? Like, you’d become more confident in yourself and stuff? You don’t care so much about what people think about you.
I’m sorry. I have a feeling this is going to be a crap, rambling post. I blame P.M.T.
Speaking of the menstrual cycle, I just downloaded a period tracker app for my phone. It feels a bit suffocating to be honest. My next period’s just blaring out of the calendar in dark red numbers. It’s like it’s mocking me. If it could talk it would say, “I’m coming for you, you can’t hide from me, I will find you and I WILL destroy you”. It’s basically Slapsgiving. Yeah, that’s exactly what it is: Slapsgiving.
I just read The Psychopath Test by Jon Ronson. I enjoyed it, although I got a bit worried that I was a psychopath. Well, it’s sort of strange because I wasn’t worrying that I was a psychopath, but then there was a passage that went, ‘Oh by the way, if you’re worrying that you might be a psychopath then that means that you are definitely NOT a psychopath’ so then I thought Shit, I haven’t been worrying that I’m a psychopath so does that mean that I actually am one?!?!?!?!?!?! But then I calmed down. It’s weird. I’m the kind of person who’ll read symptoms and then be like, “YES THAT’S SO ME”. Like I’m listening to ‘The Guilty Feminist’ at the minute and I finally feel like I know what I am (although deep down I know I’m actually just guilty). But with psychopaths, I haven’t been able to relate at all. I know – it’s crazy, isn’t it?! And you know why I can’t relate? Amygdala. Psychopaths don’t have enough of this chemical and anxious people have TOO much of it. So that’s nice, isn’t it?
Every cloud.
Psychopaths and Weetos.
Oh and speaking of ‘The Guilty Feminist’, I would just like to point out that I don’t MIND my extra weight…I’m totally comfortable with my body shape.
OKAY YOU GOT ME I HATE IT. I JUST WISH I COULD EAT ALL THE FOOD AND BE A SIZE 8 AT THE SAME TIME. AND BE TALLER. AND HAVE EYES THE SAME COLOUR. AND SMALLER CANKLES.
God, I am a TERRIBLE feminist. I told you I was just guilty! I guess the point is that I KNOW I should be okay with my shape and I’m working on it. I mean, there are some benefits to being a bit bigger. No one can give me birthday bumps anymore.
That’s nice.
Bikes. Bikes. Bikes. Bikes. The greatest thing to have happened to me since sliced bread and full fat butter. Bikes! Having a bike has been SO good. I love it. I feel like I’m ten years old again (well, apart from when I have to go up steep hills). Cycling to work puts me in such a good mood in the morning! And now I have a BASKET. I don’t really have anything to put in my basket though. I normally just throw an extra scarf in there or something. And lip balm.
11:03 Ooft. I’m feeling a little hungover today, but I’m definitely not as bad as last weekend. Maybe being vegan helps your hangovers? This diet’s just getting better and better!
I’m watching Rick Stein’s Long Weekends at the minute and it’s my new favourite TV programme. I just love Rick Stein, I love his attitude to food, I love his way with people, I love his LIFE. Get this: he gets to travel around Europe, eat amazing food, and meet lots of amazing people who love food as much as him!!!!! HOW is that a job?! I really hope that he reads my blog one day and that he’ll love it so much that he’ll invite me onto his TV show. Maybe I can travel around with him and write about all the food we try and all the food he makes? He’d be getting a really good deal. He wouldn’t have to pay me (as long as he funded my accommodation) and I’d be like his own personal, positive food critic. I KNOW I wouldn’t have a bad word to say about any of his food. And I have a feeling we’d get on really well as well. We both share the same love of FAT and SALT and all of that delicious good stuff. And! He’s up a hill at the minute and he’s really scared because he doesn’t like heights. I’m pretty sure this dude is a long-lost uncle or something.
Rick, if you’re reading this, PLEASE TAKE ME ON YOUR FOOD TRAVELS YOU WILL NOT BE DISAPPOINTED I PROMISE YOU.
Anyway. Because I’m a little hungover, I really fancied something a bit greasy and fatty for breakfast so I fried up some mushrooms (this time they were in date) and some potato scones, and I ate them with a big dollop of ketchup:
FUCKING YUM.
It was delicious and it made me really, really, really, really, really happy.
OKAY, Rick is currently in a hot spring in Iceland and someone is literally feeding him lots of lovely food from the edge of the spring. He is also drinking champagne. That jammy bugger.
12:46 Like Rick, I take pride in the fact that I can pretty much eat anything. I may not like everything, but I sure can eat anything, and sometimes, I can even teach myself to like something. Today, however, I just wish this bravery I have when it comes to food could maybe be transferred into something else. Food and water sports – that’s all I can do. ANYTHING else (and I really do mean anything) tends to strike me with the fear of god.
This is basically just a roundabout way of saying that my first cycle in a city was TERRIFYING.
I grew up in the middle of nowhere. I’m not used to there being more than one car on the road at any given time, I’m not used to traffic lights or lanes, and I’m not used to there being so much people around ALL the time. But having said that, there was a little bit of the cycle that I really enjoyed. I haven’t been on a bike in so long and I forgot how much fun it is! I felt like I was ten years old again! So I really loved pottering around the streets near my flat, but then I came to a busy road and things started to get scary. Basically, I couldn’t make it to work. I tried to find the Water of Leith, but failed, I almost ran over a dog, I almost got ran over myself, and my helmet fell off.
BUT I’M NOT GOING TO GIVE UP.
I’m just going to get on my bike tomorrow and cycle to work on the main road. It’s really not that bad a road and at least I know exactly where I’m going. I’m going to do it. I am. But for now, I’m going to make some guacamole and drown my sorrows in it. I’m also going to have some bread. It’s the weekend and I want my carbs.
19:15 The guacamole wasn’t that nice. I used a lemon that was really old so I’m wondering if that made it taste a little funny? It didn’t stop me from eating all of it though:
Step 1
Step 2
Step 3
After that, I fell asleep again. I swear it’s all I tend to do at the weekend. I’m currently making the curry I was planning on making yesterday. I’m not sure how it’s going to go. I didn’t have a casserole dish so couldn’t put it in the oven, but I don’t think that should be too much of a problem.
20:09 (Monday). The curry was really good! It had aubergine in it and I just LOVE that vegetable. I really want to get a deep fat fryer so I can deep fat fry some aubergine. I don’t know why, but I just think that would be SO DELICIOUS. Aww man, I can’t stop thinking about aubergine. Mmmm…aubergine. Anyway, the curry:
I was glad it turned out okay because I was in a terrible mood while I was making it. I think my nap put me in a bad mood. I just woke up grumpy. My poor boyfriend came into the kitchen while I was cooking and tried to stir the curry, but I was just like, ‘WHAT are you doing? It’s FINE’. But then he pulled a funny ‘You’re acting really crazy and I’m scared’ kind of face, which made me laugh and everything was grand after that.
So there you have it! My vegan Sunday consisted of:
3x potato scones
5x(?) mushrooms
1x guacamole
2x slices of brown, seeded bread
2x teaspoons(?) hummus
1x butternut squash and aubergine curry with pilau rice
3x bites of nan bread
I did it!!!!!
Well, apart from the cups of tea. And yes, I did say cups. Even after I realised my mistake with the milk I just carried on making the same mistake ALL weekend. Girl gotta have milky tea.
AND OKAY I ALSO HAD 3 LINDOR CHOCOLATE THINGS. I’M SORRY.
08:04 Although actually, my vegan weekend began last night. Remember I told you I had a friend at work whose boyfriend was vegan so they invited me around for dinner? Well, that happened last night and it was GLORIOUS.
When we arrived, her boyfriend greeted us with cava, these brown corn chip things, and guacamole. If I could, I would come home to that sight EVERY day. And I’m just going to get this out the way now: that guacamole was the TASTIEST guacamole I have ever had. And it was so nice with those brown corn chip things! Then my boyfriend arrived and he said the guacamole was even better than mine, which upset me a little, but I’m over it now. We’re going to invite them around to ours so we can have a GUAC OFF.
Tickets coming soon.
We actually kind of forced him to make us more guacamole, which was both wonderful and terrible. I ATE SO MUCH that I was stuffed by the time dinner – tofu burgers and sweet potato fries – was ready. But did I let the copious amounts of guac consumed prevent me from eating my entire dinner? I did not. He coated the sweet potato fries in some sort of curry sauce, which was majorly professional. That’s what got me about this guy: he can cook! You know how you normally go around to your friends for dinner and their food is always nice because you’re STARVING, but it’s never the most amazing food in the world? Well, last night was not like that. Everything was pure Masterchef level. So neat, delicate, and tasty. But am I now a fake meat convert? Sorry, but no. I need breaded chicken in my life.
I will say this though: people who cook without meat are much better chefs. They sort of have to be. You can fry a steak and do absolutely nothing to it and it would be DELICIOUS, but I can’t imagine you can do the same with tofu. You’ve actually got to be quite good at the whole negotiating herbs and spices thing.
This has got me thinking that the rest of my vegan weekend is going to be totally shit.
09:14 FUCK. Just remembered that I put milk in the tea that I drank this morning. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?!?!?!?!?!?!
09:57 So because I hadn’t showered and because I really didn’t want to get dressed, I decided to try and make a tasty, vegan breakfast from the contents we already had in our fridge. This meant that for breakfast today I had a bowl of very out of date mushrooms:
Mmm…
I’ll have a look at some nice vegan recipes later on and try and make a proper tasty vegan dinner tonight. If it goes well today, I might try and do vegan for a little bit longer. The only problem is that I’m not eating bread. I think I’d find being vegan easy enough if I was eating bread – I’d just have toast and guacamole all day every day – but without it, I don’t really know what I’d eat and enjoy.
I’ll have a look at some recipes.
RIGHT. I really have to go for a shower now. I’m meeting a friend who has THE CUTEST BABY IN THE WORLD soon and I’m so excited.
15:42 Guys, I want a baby so bad. I can hardly write I’m so broody. I think I’m ovulating as well so that can’t be helping. I want a baby, my body wants a baby – everybody wants a baby! Well, except my boyfriend.
Sighs.
Okay, FOOD. I’ve actually managed to stay vegan today (well, apart from that cup of tea with the milk), which feels good! I went to Starbucks and I got a soy milk caramel latte to go. I didn’t know what I wanted – I had to ask – but it tasted great! Although I actually didn’t drink that much of it because I’m not very good at drinking and walking at the same time, and then when we got to my friend’s house I was just so distracted by her lovely baby. My friend got a caramel latte with coconut milk so I might try that tomorrow. She also gave me a book of vegan recipes so I stopped by Tesco on my way home and got all the ingredients to make a nice curry tonight. I know it’s only been half a day (and that I have already kind of failed), but I really think I’m going to try and be vegan for a little bit longer. We even got a take away vegan pizza today and it tasted like a normal pizza! I think they used coconut oil instead of cheese. I could really get on board with this whole vegan thing if I’m allowed to eat pizza.
Oh. I would miss the sausage suppers, though.
16:35 I’VE GOT A BIKE AND IT’S SO BEAUTIFUL!!!!! One of my friends gave it to me for a very good price and I’m so friggin’ excited to ride it! If I don’t get too drunk tonight, I’m going to go out for a cycle tomorrow. I think I’ll try to cycle to work so I sort of know what I’m doing on Monday morning. I can’t believe I’ve got a bike. I can’t believe I’m being vegan. I’m so… one with nature.
19:00 So after I wrote that last post, I fell fast asleep (the excitement of babies and bikes was obviously just too much), which meant that when I woke up I didn’t have time to make dinner as I had a leaving party to get to. And so, I got my second take away of the day: Sabzi Makhani, which is also vegan!
Well, if I thought I was a failure last weekend it was NOTHING compared to this weekend. I left off my last blog just as I was about to go out for dinner so I’ll carry on from there…
I went out for dinner and, miraculously, I felt so much better once I started drinking again. The Pinot Grigio Rose was going down an absolute TREAT. But then I looked at the menu and realised that there was absolutely nothing Paleo about it, which, I mean, I should have known because how many cavemen would have gone to The Bailie for their dinner? Very few.
I, however, soldiered on and ended up choosing the Balmoral Chicken as I thought that was the Paleo-ist thing on the menu, but all of my friends were giving me such shit about it! I don’t think they realised how much I had sacrificed in choosing that dish.
I mean look at it! It’s basically just meat and veg (and haggis and gravy). I could have had a big sloppy burger or NACHOS or scampi and chips, which is DEFINITELY not Paleo! So I was really proud of myself – I had pretty much succeeded in being Paleo for the entire day. I had dieted for the day and NOT caved. I was really growing.
But then the small hours of Sunday arrived and I could hear the sausage suppers calling. We passed a chipper that was too beautiful to resist so I did it: I went in and I got myself a supper. And you know what? I didn’t even feel guilty. It was so pretty.
Then disaster struck. I tripped and my sausage went flying:
This is me trying to save the soggy sausage.As you can see from the photo above, I picked the sausage up and thought long and hard about eating it, but I eventually decided against it. I have eaten a lot of food off of a lot of floors, but a wet, grimy pavement was too much even for me. Again, I was proud of myself! Dropping my sausage meant that I couldn’t eat it, which meant that I STILL hadn’t failed my diet. But then my friend bought me another sausage, which was really nice and when you think about it, I would have looked like a right cow had I not eaten it.
So I ate it.
Yesterday passed in a hungover blur. I passed out on the couch the night before and slept there instead of in my bedroom. I did wake up in the early hours of the morning and try to make my way back into my bedroom, but I found my BF sleeping next to another friend (who actually has a flat in Edinburgh). My friend looked so peaceful that I decided not to wake him and even though I pretended to be mad when he woke up, I secretly felt all warm and cosy inside that he had stayed. I don’t know why – I was hungover and emotional.
A few friends from Aberdeen had stayed the night too. I actually fell asleep in between my two flat-mates from Uni. It was like a three tiered spoon and it was MAGICAL.
We spent Sunday cuddling, watching TV, farting, eating, and sleeping. It was really nice. I had eggs and bacon for breakfast then a takeaway curry for dinner. I read somewhere that cavemen LOVED chicken korma.
So there you have it! My Paleo weekend consisted of:
1x eggs and sausages
1x balmoral chicken
1x sausage supper
1x eggs and bacon
1x chicken korma takeaway
Next weekend is Vegan time! Stay tuned for further tales of triumphs and failures (but mostly failures).
01:25am Hey guys, I’m a little drunk. I went out with my family (who are Irish and like to drink) (I’m not insinuating that the Irish like to drink or anything) and so, like I said, I’m a little bit drunk. ANYWAY. My so-called Boyfriend and friend are just eating BREAD AND BUTTER right in front of me. It’s not that I care. It’s just that I love bread and butter. My BF is sitting next to me now and I can smell the crumbs and hear the crunch. I may have sex with him. I just hope there’s some buttery crumbs left on his face.
I just read out that paragraph to him. He had two pointers: one was that I was talking about sex when my family read this blog (but I’m pretty sure they’ve had sex before) and the other was about how I used the word, “so-called”. I told him that I only used that word because he was eating bread and butter in front of me and it was like he didn’t even care.
I should probably go to bed.
My family are coming around for breakfast in the morning. I need to make them bacon. I didn’t mean to get this drunk tonight. It’s weird writing when drunk! My hands feel a little bumb. (That was meant to be, numb).
Night!
10:54 Uh oh, I really don’t want to post this blog with the above writing, but I feel if I delete it I won’t be being truthful to the Diet Diaries and I VOWED I would tell the truth.
I think I forgot to mention last night that I’m doing the Paleo diet this weekend. Oh. I see I tried to mention it in the title… Oh dear.
All I know about the Paleo diet is that you’re meant to eat the same food as that of a Palaeolithic human. What does that mean? I’m not really sure. I think it’s meant to be all natural food like meat, eggs, nuts, and fish, and that you should avoid sugary processed food that wasn’t around the Palaeolithic human.
I must confess: I’ve made it easy for myself again. The Paleo diet means I can have my eggs and sausages for breakfast! I PROMISE that next weekend I’ll have something different, but I just couldn’t sit there watching my family eat a glorious fatty breakfast, while all I had to munch on was a grapefruit. I’M WEAK, OKAY?
So weak.
13:17 The hangover has hit me hard. I’m quite shaky. And I’m definitely not in the mood for writing.
Breakfast is over. My family left happy. My auntie said I could get a job in her cafe so that was nice. (She doesn’t know that sausages and eggs are pretty much the only thing I can make).
I forgot to take a before photo again. This photo is also the wrong way around, but I can’t for the hungover life of me figure out how to fix it.
I’ve been doing some research and technically you’re not allowed tea, but most people have it anyway because it’s full of antioxidants.
My friend, Samir, has just arrived. We’re all going to play Linkee. I think I’m going to lose. I suck on a good day. It seems I can only write in short sentences.
Samir: What’s wrong with you two?
Me: We just fed the 5000.
Samir: How many did you have for breakfast?
Me: 5000.
18:17 My God, I am feeling SO rough. I’ve been sleeping on the couch all day, but it hasn’t done me any good. I’ve got a birthday/leaving party to go to tonight as well. It’s hard having so many friends.
I’ve had a shower and dried my hair, which is definitely the worst part of getting ready. I don’t know how I’m going to do my make-up. My hands are so shaky. We’re going out for dinner in half an hour.
The Flying Bees 